I admit, I missed writing on my blog... and today, after having this weird dream, I got the urge of writing again to unload all the thoughts that I'm currently having about it. It's not really very unusual but since it triggered something - a childhood experience, I want to simply just let it out my chest and write it down on my blog which is something that I consider as my journal that keeps me sane these days.
So about my dream, let me start by telling you a story...
I am the type of person that keeps grudges when I was young (Don't worry I'm trying to change that now) and when I was in elementary, I was pretty active in many things especially in school, I make sure that I am part of all the activities. I recall I did things because I want to be productive all the time and I was determined to learn new things. However, the only downside is that I had become too hard on myself. At a very young age I can feel that I am living on the edge - but in the end, I realize that it was no use. Most of the time I also felt that I was unappreciated so that's the time I got depressed. There are also times that I don't feel like a kid because there was a time that I stopped playing... I can't remember exactly but it just happened. I was already 9 or 10 when I started to write a book. It was about fairy tales and mysteries. I've always wanted to become a writer and I was so determined to make that happen (but now I think I still have to work on my grammar). People think that I am a geek and not fun to be with! I think that's also true - because I am melancholic by nature, I've always thought that nobody can ever tolerate my gloomy behavior. I do not speak that much, I just prefer to sit on one corner and observe the things around me and if I get bored, I'd get a good book to read. I think my playmates got really bored with that so I was often left alone...
Okay, so how about the dream that I had a while ago and how could I connect it with my childhood?
So I didn't get enough sleep again. I passed out about 6 AM while I was working on a website and woke up when I felt my cat's paws on my stomach. My big fat white cat was trying to position himself on my tummy so he could sleep! Ugh... I think it was about 8 AM - I didn't want to get up yet so I closed my eyes again and tried to cover my eyes with my monokoroboo pillow so I could sleep. But sleep was immediately interrupted by an agent who was trying to sell a car, then followed by a phone call. It was already 10 AM so I realized that I had to get up and face my computer screen again. I had a dream that time but I can't remember. So for now, forget about my bizarre sleeping habits - to make the long story short, I became too sleepy at around 4 PM so I went to dream land again until 7 PM... and and and... this is the time that I had the most vivid dream in my life so far...
I was getting ready because some relatives invited me to the beach... and because I badly need a vacation, I decided to go with them. I learned that I'd be with my nieces and nephews so I thought I'd be having fun for sure. My parents were in my dream, they were helping me pack my stuff on different bags. And I even thought I am bringing too much of my stuff with me as if I'm not going back home anymore. But the weird thing is that I just kept on packing but I was not leaving... I just stayed on front of the gate for hours! The other part of the dream that was surprising is that my dad was holding a cigarette but I'm pretty sure that he is not smoking! So back to the vacation plan, my parents gave me a map and said I'll be needing that when I leave. I still got a lot of things on my mind -like if we are going to the beach, for sure I have to bring a towel and sun tan lotion... I was still getting ready when I realized that my vacation buddies already left me!
So there, at that very moment, I bade my vacation fantasy goodbye... all the excitement went down the drain... I thought I'd finally get the total relaxation that I was dreaming of but I was so wrong. The only question in my head is that why did they left me? Did they got tired of waiting because I had too much stuff to pack? OR because they think that I am no fun at all, they thought that they will never enjoy their beach escapade when I am around (which is possible) and because of this, I immediately recalled the bad experience I had when I was a kid... The most quiet and timid me was left out by first degree cousins because they prefer someone else to go with them. We were supposed to go to the beach and to Baguio. As a kid, I already have thoughts about the vacation in my mind's eye. Since my family rarely goes out of town, I got so excited about having to go to a place that is far from where we live in. I even had sleepless nights because of the excitement! Then finally the day came at last!!! All my stuff were already packed and I was already on my swim wear. I just had to wear shorts then later on remove it when we get to the beach... BUT BUT BUT... the unexpected happened. It was morning... hours went by, I can barely recall... one, two then we decided to call, they said they are coming... During that time, we do not have mobile phones but we have a land line phone at home... then three, four hours passed by... I was still waiting and waiting and waiting... We called again but no one was answering the call... When it was almost dark, I was FURIOUS!!! I just realized that they are never coming!!!! They decided to leave me... I was so MAD... I was fuming mad!!! What happened? Why did they decide to leave me the last minute??? I was waiting for them and they didn't even think about that!!! That was the beginning of my deep rooted hatred with those people who were supposed to be my blood relatives... It really got me thinking, maybe I was no fun at all - I am their opposite they are the type of people who were all into laughter and jokes and clearly that time, the joke was on me! I felt stupid. I thought the invitation that they did was to ridicule me and to be honest, at that time I wanted to strangle them... What they did was really really unfair.
Then I suddenly thought that there might be a good reason why this memory came back to me. It was etched on my brain for almost 20 years! Why can't I forgive? It's simply because it is still happening right now... and if they don't stop from fooling me and my family, I'd have to declare war once again... I know this part might not have anything to do with the beach and my childhood, but the bad feeling that I have deep in my gut won't go away. The dream simply reminded me of that bad feeling that have been sleeping in my subconscious for a long time.
Right now, life for me has been rough but I can still say that there have also been an avalanche of blessings every single day. Once in a while I hear news from those so-called relatives who are doing their "old ways" but I really had enough of them now, and it's safe to keep distance. I want a quiet life and I don't want them to be a part of it.
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