Back to square one

I came back from Manila today and I'm very exhausted. This is probably the toughest week I had since last year of never ending trauma and confusion. I recalled the time when I was in the bus, I felt a nagging pain in my chest - take note, it's literally painful. It lasted for a few minutes on my chest then it went down to my lower left part of my ribcage then it was suddenly gone... I wonder what it is? Hmmm... I think I need to see a doctor.

Anyway, back to where I started - my trip to Manila was an exhausting and an enlightening one at the same time. A flood of realizations struck me and it has drowned me because I was not equipped with a life vest - I know was not ready for it but I kept on squeezing it on my brain hoping that all of the information that I got will eventually wake up my senses. But there I was groping for air, trying hard to contain myself from the blow after blow of discovery - both good and bad.

It's time for me to move forward once again. Like my favorite prayer:


God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

This is something I need to put in mind because I always forget the message. I need to accept that I can't be in control of a lot of things in my life. Somehow, I just need to let things flow naturally because if not, it's going to be a disaster in the end. I know it's going to be a bit hard because that means I'm going to alter my personality a bit (I just found out that I'm 3/4 melancholic and 1/4 choleric - INFJ - loyalist based on personality tests) I want to keep myself far from trouble next time, to be able to control my temper and release all of the pain and heartaches from my past failures.

I know that this is not going to be easy. I'm in this process again and I'm beginning to get sick and tired of it but I really have no choice. It's either I go through this or die. And because killing myself would lead me straight to hell then I guess it's not an option. Being on the planning stage once again brings jitters to my tummy and not to mention headaches and sleepless nights. UGH... but because I watched the movie "BIG FISH" I recalled the man chose to go through the toughest part of the forest because he knew that if he could go through it, he could surely go through anywhere without being afraid. So I guess that's just a training ground for him. Those who are not afraid to go through challenges are often the ones to emerge as winners in the end.

So now, good luck to me and I hope I can get something out of the thick and dangerous forest that I passed through. I'm still alive and I still have my mission to accomplish.